Find Yourself?

Find yourself, says this world.

But I don’t think that’s really the way it works.

Finding yourself sounds like “you” are out there that knowing who you are is a process of going.

Yet it seems in so many ways that it’s really more about staying.

Staying true to who you are…even when the popular kids make fun of you.

Staying courageous enough to say “yes” to what God asks…even if you’re scared silly.

Staying open to life and love…even when hard times make you want to slam the door of your heart.

It’s the staying that makes us.

And it’s the staying that leads, in the end, to the finding.

The knowing.

Who we are.

What we’re called to do.

To looking in the mirror and seeing a woman who is learning to be who she is smiling back–at least on more days than ever before.

We don’t have to find ourselves, sisters.

We simply have to come home to who we already are…

and the One Who Has Always Loved Us that way.

–Holley Gerth

No Emotional Intimacy

I wonder what is broken with intimacy in sex addicts?

In reading other blogs of sex addicts, or reading other's like me write about their partners sex addiction, I find a very similar pattern.....

Sex Addicts do not know how to have an emotional intimate relationship. They just can't seem to figure it out. For them, it is all about sex.

When I tell my husband I would like to work on our emotional relationship... he just doesn't seem to grasp it. I can come right out and give suggestions, but still nothing.

Does he just not want to do it?

Instead, he tries to send me sexy text messages or act out some type of sexual fantasy. His suggestions for us to grow closer are all sexual.

My thoughts are different. Spending time together. Talking. Sharing our thoughts, concerns, goals, daily experiences. I guess because I am so sensitive to the sexual addiction.... I would say anything that is not sex related would help.

Instead, we both end up get made at each other and not meeting each other's needs.

Every once and a while we find a nitch. Every once and a while we have a moment.

Unfortunately, those moments are very far and in between.

Why are men and woman so different?

I am Beautiful!

Jon is a good man. He provides well for our family.

He is a good father.

For the most part, he is an incredible husband.

Jon is good with money and spends wisely. He is a hard worker. He excels at his job. He has worked for the same company for several years and has improved himself within the organization.

He is gentle.

He takes care of himself. He runs at least four miles a day.

He is spiritual. He reads and gains knowledge on a regular basis. He knows about God and believes in him.

I believe all these reasons are the reason I continue to stay in our marriage. I see honest dedication to be sober. He really puts forth effort every day.

I see and know all those things..... yet, the slip up's still happen. The thoughts are still there. Those terrible thoughts eventually turn into actions. Those actions are what break me every time.

It is a cycle.

It is almost like I can see it happening. A cycle I cannot stop or help. I feel hopeless. I feel sad.

His actions make me feel ugly. They make me feel sad. They make me feel unimportant.

Today, sobriety day 18, Jon told me I was beautiful.

I had just woken up. I had washed my face, brushed my hair, and was heading into the kitchen for some breakfast. I still had bad morning breath. I was still wearing my unflattering pajamas. And I still had zero make up on. I was about as "Plain Jane" as they come.

Yet...

... as I passed by him, "Good Morning" is what I mustered in my unhappy morning voice (I dislike waking up), he stopped me cold in my tracks. He grabbed me by the hands and pulled me close to him. He engulfed my little body in his with a huge hug.

My breath was taken away and I mustered a slight smile.

Then, he let go of the hug, still holding my hands, and said,

"You are SO beautiful!"

I felt like a million bucks!

...is there really ever a beginning?

No.

I do not think so.

At least not for me.

I was not around the first time Jon took his first peak into a world of complete destruction.

Right?

That is where is starts.

One thought. One tiny view. One look at a woman who has little self esteem.

It makes my heart hurt. A hurting heart for both of them.

I am a codependent.

What else can I be?.... I am married to an addict.

Hurt. Broken.

Trying to find hope.

Is that not what we all want?

.HOPE.