Jon is a good man. He provides well for our family.
He is a good father.
For the most part, he is an incredible husband.
Jon is good with money and spends wisely. He is a hard worker. He excels at his job. He has worked for the same company for several years and has improved himself within the organization.
He is gentle.
He takes care of himself. He runs at least four miles a day.
He is spiritual. He reads and gains knowledge on a regular basis. He knows about God and believes in him.
I believe all these reasons are the reason I continue to stay in our marriage. I see honest dedication to be sober. He really puts forth effort every day.
I see and know all those things..... yet, the slip up's still happen. The thoughts are still there. Those terrible thoughts eventually turn into actions. Those actions are what break me every time.
It is a cycle.
It is almost like I can see it happening. A cycle I cannot stop or help. I feel hopeless. I feel sad.
His actions make me feel ugly. They make me feel sad. They make me feel unimportant.
Today, sobriety day 18, Jon told me I was beautiful.
I had just woken up. I had washed my face, brushed my hair, and was heading into the kitchen for some breakfast. I still had bad morning breath. I was still wearing my unflattering pajamas. And I still had zero make up on. I was about as "Plain Jane" as they come.
Yet...
... as I passed by him, "Good Morning" is what I mustered in my unhappy morning voice (I dislike waking up), he stopped me cold in my tracks. He grabbed me by the hands and pulled me close to him. He engulfed my little body in his with a huge hug.
My breath was taken away and I mustered a slight smile.
Then, he let go of the hug, still holding my hands, and said,
"You are SO beautiful!"
I felt like a million bucks!
